Ex-anniversary

I married whom I thought at the time was the love of my life on this day in 2011; our divorce was finalized on October 5, 2018. While I rode a roller coaster of emotions for at least a year following our mutual decision to divorce, I am so glad we ended our marriage.

The hardest part about divorce, for me, was grieving the loss of having a nuclear family, with parents staying together forever and raising their children in the same household. I also grieved the loss of my in-laws, with whom I am now close again, and my now ex-husband’s friends – I’ve gotten over that now!

I recall one night, we were sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I woke out of a dead sleep in the midst of a panic attack. I was so scared of being alone for the rest of my life, without an adult companion with whom to share my world.

I grieved for a little over a year about the end of our marriage, which I kind of thought would end, especially when I realized I wasn’t excited about our wedding day. My then husband didn’t even tell me I was beautiful on that day…which still hurts. My dress was magnificent! LOL!

I wasn’t even excited about planning for our wedding – I just wanted the amazing dress I ended up choosing. I didn’t even pick out my own wedding cake – which was disastrous-looking – or my flowers, nor the invitations. A big part of me would have rather eloped. I didn’t feel like our union was a celebration, which I knew at the time was odd; however, we married anyway.

We were married for six of our ten years together. Feelings nagged at me not to marry him; however, we ended up creating two beautiful boys – the best result of our going through with the marriage. I would like to dwell on and regret the decade I felt I’d ‘wasted’ on him, but I can’t – because of our babies.

I truly believe that two people, whether they’re meant to be together forever or not, are cosmically brought together sometimes simply to have babies, pure little souls who are meant to be in this world. I just have a feeling that things are meant to be – or not.

Of course, everyone has their own beliefs regarding fate, kismet, serendipity, whatever you want to call it. I just have a very strong feeling, faith, if you will, that, as I said above, things turn out the way they are meant to be.

Incredibly, I have reconnected with someone I had a huge crush on nearly 20 years ago, when I was a teenage lifeguard and he was a teen whom I watched do amazing tricks off the diving board virtually daily. It turns out that he had a huge crush on me at the time too, which blew my mind, as I thought he thought I was basically an idiot – I guess I felt like one when I was around him because he made me SO nervous at the time.

We’ve been ‘together’ for more than a year and I’ve forced out the ‘L’ word once. He didn’t reciprocate the words, but said he does have ‘strong feelings’ for me. I know, *eye roll.* Therefore, I stayed away from him for a while; my heart was broken yet again. Then, he apparently decided he wants to continue seeing me – we picked up right where we left off upon reuniting.

When I was apart from my boyfriend, I went through a little bit of a depression – lots of crying – and then decided to work toward getting over my intense feelings for him. Thank goodness he came back. I love him so much and I can only hope he loves me back, but is afraid to say the words just yet. I think the fact that he knows I’m in love with him and he’s still around is a good sign! *knock on wood*

I think I’m scared of love because I’ve had a tough time with it. My first love died at 19; I never had the chance to tell him I was in love with him, which still kills me. My second love fell out of love with me and we divorced. Now, my third, and hopefully, last, love gets cold feet every now and then – he was very hurt by his now ex-wife and the way in which their relationship ended, so I get it.

I’m still working on living life day to day and hoping for the best. I want to be with my current love forever, but don’t we all feel that way when we are in love?

Co-parenting is going pretty well, although I wish my ex would take the boys more often and help me out more with money for them. He truly wants to be a good daddy, but sometimes I worry that he’s messing up now to the point where the kids won’t care a bit about seeing him in the future. But, that’s his bed to make, not mine.

With one love, I wonder what could have been. My second love left me. Now I’m hoping my third love will be with me forever, even if we never marry and are simply companions in love. I have to have him in my life.

In conclusion, as I reflect on this day now eight years ago, all the signs were present that our marriage would not work. Now, this will blow your mind – when I was young, I just had this feeling that I would end up divorcing at some point in my life. Lo and behold, that gut feeling has been realized.

Love, Maggie

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